Waiting Read online

  *****

  Azizi was mostly full when Caris walked in at seven-fifteen for bowling. Lena had said to come by about seven-thirty. Her shift ended at eight.

  Caris locked in on Lena, wiping off a table across the room. For a second, her profile was Dale's, and Caris's chest squeezed. Then Lena looked up, met Caris's eyes, and grinned shyly. Definitely not Dale now; their faces were very different. Thank God.

  Caris thought she would be okay bowling. She and Lena needed each other. They were in a unique situation and could help each other like no one else could. They could be great friends. They were adults. They would not let silly crushes and physical stuff like the best kiss of Caris's life get in the way.

  Lena waved hello. She weaved around tables, until she was with Caris. "Hey, Caris," Lena said, drawing out the name just a little. Caaaris. Hey, Caaaris. Or perhaps Caris was imagining it. Lena's hair was in a ponytail, but loose tendrils softened her face. She wore dressy black pants and a silk green shirt that brought out her eyes. Caris was a frump in her maternity jeans and blue top. On purpose, she had not shopped for clothes for this "date," because she had no need to impress Lena. Right? They were not in a relationship nor possibly headed that way; they were passing ships, temporary friends with benefits. They were passing ships not meant to end up together but who came together when the need was there.

  "Thanks for letting me crimp your style. Hope you don't mind I'm a little early," Caris said.

  "I'm furious. Come on, sit. What can I get you?"

  "Vodka and Coke again. Trying to get me drunk so you can beat me at bowling?"

  Lena winked. "You know it."

  *****

  The bowling alley was mostly full. "Let's get your stuff," Lena said. Caris ended up with red and tan clown shoes, with thick black laces. No fair. The shoes Lena brought from home were purple, sleek and attractive.

  "If I lose, I'm blaming my shoes. That looks like mold growing on the left one," Caris grumbled.

  Lena won the first game, 205 to 135. "You set me up," Caris said accusingly.

  Lena laughed. "What?"

  "What? What?" Caris mocked Lena. "Two hundred and five? Who bowls that?"

  "Someone's competitive."

  Caris shook her head. "Two hundred and five! We're going to a movie next time."

  Next time.

  Lena looked at her, catching the slip, too. "Next time," Lena repeated.

  "Is that okay?"

  "Sure, sure, whatever. I'd like that."

  Sometime during the second game, and after they'd had a couple of beers, Caris realized the warm glow inside her was not her mild buzz. It was a glow of fun. This is what it's like to be out and have fun. I'd almost forgotten. She had not thought about Dale. Or about herself. Or, amazingly enough, about who Lena was. She lost herself in Lena's laugh, in her brown-green eyes. Caris was merely someone out with a friend and having playful adult conversations. Perfectly ordinary. She liked feeling normal again. No one treating her with kid gloves because of her vegetative wife.

  Lena won the second game, 211 to 132. "Best of four," she said with a wink.

  Caris took Lena's hand. "Time for me to show off. Come on." A jumble of stuffed animals crowded the display at a claw crane game. "See anything you like?"

  "These are rip offs. Money vampires."

  "I'm pretty good at them."

  Lena's brows rose. "Really? Okay. That bowling ball doll is adorable. That's a perfect way to remember tonight."

  "You'll want to remember tonight?"

  "211 to 132? Gee. Let me think."

  Caris swatted Lena's shoulder. "Ugh. You're awful."

  Game three also went to Lena, and she and Caris walked out together. Not quite holding hands, but close, hands brushing each other. Lena had put her bowling ball doll prize in her bowling bag. The parking lot lights exposed a sky that was gray, smudgy, polluted. Not exactly beautiful. Caris barely noticed, thanks to the beer tumbling in her veins. The moon was moving. Or maybe that was her newfound heady sensation.

  "Want to go somewhere else or call it a night?" Lena asked.

  Caris ran her hands over Lena's car, a lime green VW bug. Lena had driven them to the alley. "I told your grandparents I'd be back by ten-thirty to give Donovan his bottle." Caris had set the early deadline as a precaution to avoid getting too chummy with Lena. But right now, she was cursing herself.

  "It's ten o' clock," Lena said.

  "I'll call and see if one of them will do it. I'm sure they will." If Caris went home, Donovan would cry, his wails rising and rising and his lips would pucker for her cow udders and Shirley would be How did it go with Lena so glad you're becoming friends Tell me everything doesn't she bowl good, that's my granddaughter. Caris could not wait to have the house to herself.

  Caris realized one reason she had enjoyed her time with Lena so much: Caris had come of her own free will, on her own terms. No one pawed at her, needled her insistently, demanded she sacrifice herself for them. Even Dale hovered, silent, waiting. Demanding. But with Lena, Caris found a few hours of peace. Lena asked nothing of her. Lena accepted Caris for who she was.

  "Caris? Are you all right? Can I come see the baby?"

  Caris's heart lurched. Lena wants to see the baby? It's a miracle. Caris grinned, her anxiety floating away. "Definitely."

  Chapter 13

  They went to Azizi to get Caris's car, then drove separately to the townhouse. The lights were off as Caris and Lena approached the front door. "We'll have to be quiet," Caris said. "Remember your grandfather sleeps downstairs."

  "Got it."

  Caris inserted her key into the lock. She slipped her hand into Lena's and entwined their fingers. To guide Lena across the darkened room. No other reason. Riiight. She loved their hands together. Had kept their hands together as much as possible while they'd been at the claw crane game. Lena certainly had not seemed to mind.

  Caris led Lena around a table and to the staircase. She heard a click, and light illuminated the room. "Caris?" George, from the pull-out couch. He had turned on a lamp.

  Lena dropped her hand from Caris's. "Hey, Granddad." She went over to hug him. "Now I can see."

  "You girls have fun?"

  Caris joined them. "Did you know your granddaughter is a professional bowler?"

  They made small talk for a few minutes. "Donovan was good tonight," George said.

  "He never cries with you or Shirley," Caris agreed. She shifted her gaze to Lena. "Now, me…" She laughed. "My face is a trigger for him to cry."

  *****

  In the kitchen, Lena watched Caris retrieve a pot and fill it with hot water. Caris also got a full baby bottle from the refrigerator. She put the bottle into the pot. She swirled the bottle around—"to make sure the heat distributes evenly"—and tested a few drops on her forearm. "Warm," she said. "Good."

  "Let me feel."

  Caris squeezed milk on Lena's arm. The warmth was like soup that had a minute to cool off. "That's a lot of work for a bottle," Lena said.

  "It's not too bad. But serves me right for getting a cheap warmer. So, uh, you didn't feed your children?"

  Lena ignored the pinprick at her heart. "I didn't. And please don't call them my children. I'm not their mother."

  "You love them. I see it when—"

  "I've never seen Granddad smile like that."

  "Yes," Caris said, and a shadow came into her eyes. "He loves that baby. He could talk about Donovan all day."

  "Do you love him?"

  "He's my son. Okay, let's go up."

  On the way up, Lena daydreamed, imagining what would happen when she and Caris kissed again. If they did. What kind of lover was Caris? Tender? Attentive? Playful? Dominant? A combination? What kind of lover was Dale? What kind of kisser? Would Caris compare the two of them? Yes, of course. It was inevitable, and Lena would try not to think about it.

  It did not really matter, anyway. Lena doubted she would find out what kind of lover Caris was. Her true lover self, anyway.
She and Caris would divert to Plan B.

  Plan A: Lovemaking. Taking their time. Gazing into each other's eyes. Exploring. Whispering. Laughing. Definitely doable between good friends, people who had a high attraction to each other and who were looking for a good time and to forget their realities. Would likely not work for her and Caris, because of that perfect kiss and because of their connection.

  Plan B: Precious little foreplay, if any. Selfish fucking. Getting off as quickly as possible. Not much touching. Orgasm-oriented. Every woman for herself. Lots of business talk. Talk about work, or shopping, or the nice weather, or the hair appointment tomorrow, like Caris had touched on in front of Chili's.

  Plenty of other plans too—all the way to Z. But, yeah, Plan B was where she and Caris were headed.

  For the best, really.

  It went unsaid that she and Caris would tell no one, absolutely no one, what was happening between them. Lena certainly was not going to tell Karl. Maybe Caris had, or would, tell Jennifer. Whatever Caris needed. Sucks to be head over heels in love with her. Lena could do it, of course—could pretend that her feelings for Caris were nowhere near where they really were. She had to. Caris was fresh out of a marriage and did not deserve the pressure of being with someone wildly in love with her. Caris needed a friend to help her get back the swing of things, and Lena was fine playing that role. Friends was all they should be. Plan B was just fine. But when it came time to end their dalliance—yeah, that would be a harsh period. She would not get over Caris quickly, but she would prefer to be with Caris for this little time than never at all.

  Remember the pros of not being with Caris for a long time. The baby, for one.

  Lena heard the skkkk-skkkk-skkkk rattle of Shirley's snores when they were halfway up the stairs. "That's awful."

  They tiptoed into Shirley's room. Caris got the baby monitor and nudged Shirley awake. "I'm home."

  The nursery was painted light green. A wooden crib was in the corner, but a bassinet was the middle of the room. A diaper changing table and Winnie the Pooh decorations rounded the nursery out.

  Caris went to the bassinet.

  Please look after your little brother or sister after I'm gone. Please tell him or her I was a good person.

  Lena surveyed the space, guilt knotting her stomach. She had avoided Donovan. Why? To punish her mother? Or because she hadn't felt comfortable with her stepmother? Both? Because she was afraid Donovan would remind her of two other babies?

  Caris lifted the baby, held his face to hers, kissed him, and whispered soothingly: "Mama's home." He was clad only in a diaper, and she patted his bottom. "Dry. For now. Hey, Donovan. Do you remember your sister? She looks scary, but if you ignore the fangs, she's pretty nice."

  Lena forced a smile and prodded herself closer to the baby. She hadn't come to spend time with Donovan. Nope. She'd come to spend time with his mother.

  Caris continued: "I'm not very happy with your sister right now. She cut my ass off and hung it up to dry at the bowling alley. You want her to teach you how to bowl? Yeah? So you can beat your poor mama too?"

  "You're obsessed with me beating you, aren't you?"

  "Two hundred and eleven!" Caris shook her head in amazement. "I want your autograph."

  A moment later, Caris lowered herself and the baby in a rocking chair. "This will take about twenty minutes."

  "All right."

  "Oh, hey, do you want to do it?"

  "Some other time." Like never. Lena sat on the floor and rested her back against the wall. Caris used a pillow on her lap for support. She wrapped her arm around Donovan's upper body and held his head in the crook of her arm. He sucked greedily. After a few minutes, Caris placed a cloth on her shoulder and burped him. "He needs to be burped every three ounces or so," Caris explained. A few minutes later, she asked: "Why don't you want kids? Or do you want them and say you don't?"

  "Why screw a kid up? I'd rather use my time for other things." Lena wanted to add a "but." But I wouldn't mind getting to know your son. Not because he's my brother, but because you're his mother. Lena turned the question back on Caris. "Why do you want kids?"

  "You know, I'm not sure. I didn't want to get pregnant this early. If at all. I was doing so well at work, but Dale…Did your mom tell you? We were going to adopt an older child someday."

  "She didn't tell me."

  Caris sighed. "Then she came home with a baby book and a story about seeing a cute kid at a park and how you used to be magic in her life, and she wanted a baby, and…" Caris burped Donovan. "I didn't mind. I was excited about the baby. I never thought about not having kids. One of these things that just is."

  "It's an open adoption. What I did."

  Caris nodded. "I figured."

  "Mom wanted me to, to, uh…to keep them."

  Caris's brow flickered. "I see."

  "She said I'd regret giving them away. She said they were family and that she'd help me. She'd hire a nanny or something. No sense giving them away since she had money and I could still have my own life, a teenager's life. I don't think she forgave me for giving them away. She drove me to see them for visitations and came in with me, but she never played with them. She hasn't asked about them in years."

  "I'm sorry."

  Lena shrugged. "Them's the breaks. I'll show you their pictures when we're done here."

  Caris grinned. "I'll hurry up, then. Hey, do you know any nursery rhymes?"

  Lena searched her brain and came up with fragments and snatches. Strikkke! "No. A line here and there." She resolved to learn at least two nursery rhymes. She would impress Caris.

  Caris hummed, light and melodic: "Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are!"

  Donovan's only sounds were gurgles, and Caris smiled and continued: "When the blazing sun is gone, when there's nothing he shines upon, then you show your little light. Twinkle, twinkle, through the night. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!"

  Lena got up. She felt like a mouse among cats. This was her mother's wife and child. This magic was meant for Dale, not Lena. "Can I wait for you in your bedroom? Or somewhere?"

  Caris betrayed no reaction. "Sure."

  "I just—I—I feel weird. Mom should be here. Not me."

  Caris rose from the chair. "Let's come up with a rhyme together."

  They sat against the wall, and Lena wondered if Caris was conscious of their legs brushing each other. The electricity of their legs. Lena wanted to jump her and—shh. Stop.

  "I'll start." Caris thought a few seconds. "Twinkle, twinkle, cows gone wild."

  Lena giggled. "Cows gone wild? As in girls gone wild?"

  Caris's gaze held a devilish gleam. She held the baby up and brought his nose to hers. She sang: "Twinkle, twinkle, cows gone wild, flashing their boobies, oh what's that, looks like a duck, nope, a plane, nope, oh, it's the cows gone wild with their big boobies!"

  Donovan grinned widely.

  Lena's heart turned over, and her stomach prickled. God. No resisting Caris. She had never wanted to kiss Caris more.

  Caris shot Lena a sidelong glance. "Want to try a rhyme?"

  "Sure." Lena found herself taking the baby. She held him against her left arm, and he cooed. He was actually kinda cute. Smelled good, like powder.

  "He looks like you," Lena said.

  "You think?"

  "He has your horns and the—" Lena circled his nose. "See here. The hairy mole."

  "My mole's uglier."

  "Well, yes. And hairier. I was trying to be nice." Lena brought Donovan's face to hers and kissed his forehead. His cheeks. "I eat babies," Lena said. "Hear that, baby? I am gonna eat you. Probably with lettuce and tomatoes. Glug glug glug!" She pretended to chew him. "Gonna eat you like this." Another pretend-chew kiss.

  The crying started low, like a keening—a gasp, gasp, wheeze, gasp but then Donovan must have reached back into his lun
gs because he roared like a hurricane. His wails pierced Lena's eardrums and snaked down to her toes, but Caris's expression was one of faint amusement. "Well, how about that."

  "Guess he doesn't want me to eat him?"

  Caris took her son. "Shh, baby. Shh." She rose and paced the room. "Shh. Shh."

  A moment later, Shirley entered the room. She wore a limp pink sleeping gown. She took the baby from Caris in an automatic gesture.

  The crying gradually downgraded to a sniffling.

  "Did you two have fun bowling?" Shirley asked.

  "Yep," Lena said. Ew. She wrinkled her nose. "What's that smell?"

  Shirley frowned. "Now, Donovan. Did you make a stinky? Yes, yes, you did!" She cocked an eyebrow at Caris and held the baby out. "He's yours."

  *****

  In Caris's bedroom, Caris tugged her shoes off. She flopped onto the bed. "Ugh." She poked an eye open. Started laughing. Before long, Lena was laughing too.

  After their laughter subsided, Lena wandered to the closet. She found Dale's favorite shirt, a blue polo. She held the garment to her nose. The cologne scent was bracing. "The smell is strong enough to last a year," Lena said. "Drove me crazy. Mom's worse than a skunk. How did you stand it?"

  "Don't know," Caris mumbled.

  Lena hung the shirt back up and sat on the bed. "Tell me how you met my mother."

  "You know how we met."

  "Yeah, I know that you interviewed her and the rest was history. I'd like to know more. The details. Your first date, all that." A pause. "If that's okay."

  Caris nodded reluctantly. "I was an assistant manager at Stacko. It's like Staples."

  "I know where it is."

  "We were having problems with the IRS. Audits, what fun. We needed a very specialized attorney. So, the manager, accountant and I interviewed a few people. Your mother was last. She was trying too hard to impress Mr. Fellows. The manager. Her voice was too earnest. She laughed a little too loud at his jokes. Mr. Fellows had to take a phone call at one point. I leaned over and whispered to your mother: 'You're trying too hard.' Dale straightened and patted her hair defensively. She didn't take my advice when Mr. Fellows returned.