Waiting Read online

  "I should call Pinewood before we go back to our room," Shirley said after one lap around the lake.

  "Pinewood has the number. They'll call if something happens," Lena pointed out.

  "What if they lost the number?"

  "All right, Grandma. You're right. Call and check on Mom."

  "This trip was a bad idea," Shirley said.

  Caris took her hand. "Shirley, it—"

  "What if Dale has a stroke and I'm not there, or—"

  "She's fine," Caris said.

  "She has another urinary tract infection."

  "And it'll go away smoothly like the others did," Lena put in.

  "You think I like this?" Shirley asked. Her eyes, glowing and accusing, studied Caris and Lena. "Well, do you? You think I like being like this? I'm pathetic. I know it. I drove away my husband. But she's my daughter. She's part of me."

  Lena did not know what to say. Neither did Caris, apparently, because she kept quiet. "Look. Deer," Lena said. Four deer within arms' length, looked like two does and two fawns. "Hey," Lena whispered. "Used to people, are you? Come here." She took a tiny step toward the deer, and they ran off. Oh well. Lena glanced up at the sky. "It's a nice night. We don't get this in Alexandria."

  "I'm going to call Pinewood," Shirley said. "See you back at the room."

  Lena's stomach knotted as Shirley retreated.

  "She's right," Caris whispered. "This trip was a bad idea. I should've known this would happen."

  "I thought maybe once we were out of town, she would…I don't know. Get drunk on the fresh air or something."

  Caris laughed. "The fresh air here is very low in alcoholic content."

  "I missed hearing your laugh."

  Caris's smile increased a little. "Yeah?"

  "Mmm."

  "La!" Donovan.

  Lena reached down and hauled him up. Perhaps as a natural barrier between her and Caris. He was heavy. "Damn. Has he gained a hundred pounds?"

  Another laugh from Caris, deeper.

  "I'm ready for Mom to die," Lena said, the abruptness surprising her. "I'm tired of this waiting. This limbo. Is that horrible?"

  "Of course not," Caris said quietly.

  "It's what Grandma needs, too. To move on with her life."

  "The deer are back," Caris said.

  "We gonna hike tomorrow?"

  "I guess so."

  Lena placed Donovan back in his stroller. "I'm nervous."

  "About what? The hike?" Caris's voice was soft. Husky.

  "Yes. And Aron's staying with me next Friday night."

  "That's great, Lena."

  "Not sure what to do, but I'll figure it out. I'll let Aron take the lead."

  "You should tell your grandmother about Aron and Nakeem."

  "So she has another problem?"

  A bemused smile curved Caris's lips, and Lena could resist her no longer. She pressed her mouth to Caris's, let Caris part their lips, let Caris's tongue caress hers.

  "What was that for?" Caris said afterward.

  "Drunk on fresh air."

  Caris kissed her again.

  "I'm sorry I'm an idiot," Lena said.

  "Shh. You're not an idiot."

  "I've been avoiding you."

  Caris laughed. "I've been avoiding you too."

  "I want, uh, I've been wanting—I'm a little tired of, uh, I'd like to see you, Caris. All of you. Naked. You asked before if we could do naked sometime. Can we, soon? Very soon?"

  "Please. Yes. Please."

  *****

  None of the rooms at the lodge had a TV. Or a phone, although there were a few banks of pay phones. The lodge emphasized getting away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Cellphone reception was poor. The rooms did not have refrigerators either, and Caris had brought a small one to keep Donovan's milk in.

  Caris put Donovan to bed. She joined Lena and Shirley on the back deck of their room. They sat on a wicker couch with Shirley in between Caris and Lena. The couch cushion was so thin it did no good, but to offset that discomfort, they had a gorgeous view of the lake, and above them, the smooth silhouette of Flat Top.

  She, Lena and Shirley were silent, but around them, frogs croaked, fireflies lit up, an occasional deer wandered by, and once in a while, a child shrieked. Overall, it was calm. Peaceful.

  Shirley broke the silence. "What do you look for in a woman?"

  Caris stirred. She had been falling asleep. "Are you asking me?"

  Shirley shrugged. "You and Lena."

  "I'll let Lena go first."

  "Nothing specific," Lena began thoughtfully, and Caris stared at the Flat Top silhouette. "I try to avoid preconceived ideas or notions. But in general, honesty. Humor. Kindness. An open mind. A spark of, I don't know, drive. I look for a woman who wants to live, who wants to make a difference. Who isn't afraid to fight injustice. A woman for whom money isn't everything. I'm not like Mom. I don't like fancy jewelry. I'd be happier with an engagement ring from one of these little machines that look like gumball machines. Boy, okay. I guess I can get pretty specific. Or not. I don't know. I don't look for anything. There's either a spark and click, or there isn't. Someone who doesn't mind listening to me ramble."

  "You ramble just right," Shirley said.

  "Thanks," Lena replied with a laugh. "Hey, Grandma. What do you look for in a guy?"

  "Art."

  "Art?"

  "Art. Creativity. Soul. Do you know how your grandfather and I met?"

  "No."

  Caris closed her eyes to relax into the story. "I was seventeen years old, at a street fair with my best friend. Your grandfather was there, with his father, but not to have fun. They were working. They did drawings, like portraits. Not caricatures, just portraits, beautiful portraits. If you paid five cents extra, they did the drawings in color."

  "Granddad draws?"

  "Beautifully. He's drawn many pictures of you, Lena. He has a little book at home, a pocket notebook type with blank pages, and that's the Lena book. Anyway, my friend, Marjorie, thought your granddad was cute. I thought his ears were too big, but I humored Marjorie. We sat individually for our drawings. Marjorie fussed about her picture, but when I looked at my drawing, I…" Shirley inhaled a dreamy, tremulous sigh. "He'd seen me. He'd understood me. Captured me. He'd drawn the real me. I went back the next day and asked his name. George Philip Carter III."

  "Why didn't Granddad—I mean—his drawings? Why didn't he hang them or...? Why did he work as a salesman?"

  "He never realized how good he was. Plus he was scared to try. To really try."

  "That's sad," Caris said.

  "Yes. Absolutely. So, what about you? What do you look for in a woman? Obviously, you like older women."

  Caris grinned. "Well, I married an older woman, but I don't have a type. Whatever happens happens. Were you surprised when you found out how young I was?"

  "Of course I was," Shirley said. "But you can't control love."

  "No," Caris murmured. "You can't."

  "Can we go back tomorrow afternoon?"

  "Sure, Grandma," Lena said. "If that's what you want."

  "This place is nice. Peaks of Otter. Really nice. I appreciate you girls thinking of me." Shirley let out a sigh. "But I need to go back."

  *****

  Flat Top was touted as a strenuous, three-mile round-trip trek. The September morning was about sixty-five degrees and would feel much hotter after Caris and Lena got into their hike. They wore shorts and T-shirts. Their plan after the hike was to shower, eat at the lodge and head home. Caris liked hiking—the sweat, the outdoors, the sheer determination of pressing ahead, focusing only on moving.

  At the top, green mountains surrounded her and Lena—and the fifteen or so other people scattered about.

  "There's the lodge." Lena pointed toward the hotel and the lake.

  "They look like toys."

  "We've come a long way."

  Have we really?

  "I didn't like being in the cot last night,
" Lena said.

  "You should've slept in the bed with me."

  Lena snorted. "I couldn't have."

  Caris had had a dream last night. The same dream every night since Monday, actually. The endings varied, but the beginning and the middle were the same. She and Lena were at a beach, lounging in the sand. Lena wore a red string bikini. Caris wore a black bikini. "Time for more sun block," Caris said.

  Lena undid her top and revealed a pair of luscious breasts. Caris gently kissed each nipple. "On your stomach."

  "Mmmm." Lena rolled over.

  Caris kissed Lena's back and squeezed a trail of sun block on it. Sometimes, when Lena rolled back over, she was Dale, grinning, grabbing Caris, sticking her tongue in Caris's mouth. "Can't you kiss?" Dale would growl.

  Another ending had the face being Shirley's. She would still kiss Caris, be just as hostile. Sometimes the person turned out to be Caroline. The person never was Lena.

  Out of the corner of her eye, Caris studied Lena. She was drenched in sweat, and the washcloth she pressed to her forehead made hardly a dent. Caris's chest constricted. For a minute, she was breathless, and her whole being hurt. Unfortunately, this was not their time. Their time would never come. They would get naked. They would make love.

  Still would not be their time.

  "I'm hot," Lena grumbled. "Men are lucky. They can take their shirts off, no problem."

  "You should be fine in your sports bra."

  Lena elbowed Caris in the ribs. "Trying to get me to take my shirt off?"

  "I'm trying to get you to take all your clothes off."

  Lena rested her head against Caris's shoulder. "How about tonight? Come be with me tonight."

  Chapter 18

  "Oh, Lord." Jennifer's jaw dropped when Caris walked down the steps that night. "You look amazing. I want to dry hump you to kingdom come."

  Caris laughed. She was wearing the black dress and was beginning to like her breasts exactly the way they were. Their voluptuousness. The dress was perfect for fucking with clothes on, if she and Lena decided to backtrack and go that route.

  Caris's body was already reacting. Imagining Lena mounting her on the loveseat, or her mounting Lena, Lena moaning and rocking her hips. The sweat on Lena's forehead, on her neck.

  Caris's mother had a date, so Caris had tried to find a neighborhood baby sitter. She could not on such short notice. Lena could come to the townhouse, but Caris did not want the risk of Donovan crying. She also wanted some time to herself after sex. Besides, all-night lovemaking if Lena came to the townhouse might be too perilous. So, last resort: Jennifer. She hated lying to Jennifer. Had told Jennifer on the phone that she had a blind date, set up through someone she kept in touch with from the temp job.

  "I'll be back by eleven." Caris was due at Lena's apartment at eight.

  "So does this mean you weren't too crazy about Patricia? I thought you liked her. She really liked you."

  "I did. I do. She's nice. I'm exploring the sea."

  "Scuba dive safely."

  Caris grinned. "I will. Call the cell if you need me." She gave her best friend a hug. "Bye."

  Depersonalize the experience as much as you can. You'll be fine.

  *****

  When Caris laid eyes on Lena, Caris felt her resolve to be steely and impersonal jump a train and choo off. Because Lena looked miserable. No, not miserable. Nervous. A volcano of nerves primed to erupt.

  Caris did enjoy Lena's sharp intake of breath and the gaze that struggled to stay above bust level.

  "You can look," Caris said teasingly.

  "I'm a gentlewoman. An underdressed gentlewoman." Lena indicated her jeans.

  Caris leaned in for a quick, feathery kiss on Lena's cheek, a kiss that she hoped did not mask her nervousness too much. She wanted to convey to Lena that they were in this together.

  "When's the last time you had sex?" Caris asked. "Other than what we've done. Because these weren't really—anyway. So when's the last time?" Lena smelled like raspberry strawberry blueberry whatever. Relaxing, subtle.

  A surprised blink from Lena. "Before the, with the, before the wreck. With Caroline. I'm clean. Is that why you asked?"

  "I asked because I'm nervous. Really nervous. You're so lovely. So beautiful. I want to impress you. I don't know if I will." Caris thought of the stretch marks, the milk that might leak.

  Lena snorted. "You think you're nervous? All I can think about is you comparing me and Mom and what if I'm not as good as—" She stopped abruptly, pink flushing her cheeks.

  "All I can think about is you, you, you. Nothing else. No one else," Caris said. "Please believe me."

  Lena searched her face. Believing her, but the scrutiny was impaling. Erotic, too. "Want me to light a candle? Candles?" Lena asked.

  "Okay."

  Nervous words trickled forth. "Or incense? I like incense better. Well, for the smell. For this, candles might be better. They're nice. Incense can give off a lot of smoke. Might ruin the mood. Sometimes the shadows candles cast are cool."

  "Candles are fine," Caris said, but she felt like someone else had lassoed her tongue and was talking for her. We're actually going to do this.

  Lena got candles from the kitchen and led Caris into the bedroom. Her blinds and curtains were down, and the room was semi-dark. Lena set the candles on her dresser and lit them. They were hot, leaping orange flags.

  "Cinnamon," Lena explained. "Not the most romantic, but all I had. Thought I had more."

  "I love cinnamon."

  Lena clapped her hands together with a vigorous efficiency. "Anyway, do you want the lights off? Would that make you more comfortable? Do you want to wait until it gets really dark outside?"

  "No, just maybe the lamp on to start with."

  Lena tapped the lamp on to its lowest setting and turned the main light off. "What do you like?" she asked.

  "What do I like?"

  "In bed. What would you like me to do?"

  "Surprise me."

  Lena inclined her head jerkily. "You gonna surprise me, too?"

  "I can."

  Lena reached for her. Slipped her hands up Caris's arms, ever so slowly, and then Lena's lips were on her neck. Lena's breath tickled. Her mouth was soft, soothing, and left a series of slow and shivery kiss-nibbles. Gooseflesh rippled across Caris's arms, her legs, her stomach.

  She moaned.

  Lena, of all people, was kissing Caris's neck, was asking Caris what she wanted.

  No surprises. Clothes on. "I really enjoy, uh…I don't know what'll happen if you play with my nipples. I don't nurse anymore, but milk might leak."

  "I bet I'm cute with a milk mustache. Milk does a body good."

  "If you had a milk mustache, I could lick it off."

  "Mmm." Lust deepened Lena's reply.

  Clothes on. Clothes on. Caris wrapped her arms around Lena's waist, enjoying the feel of Lena's hips and stomach. "Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day."

  Lena chuckled. "That's terrible."

  "Lots more terrible where that came from. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together."

  "That one's a little better."

  Clothes on. "So what do you like?" Caris asked, hating how her voice was apprehensive. Anxious. She really wanted to please Lena. Liked Lena so much. Wanted to convey how much she appreciated Lena helping her.

  But she would try her damnedest to convey the sentiment with her black dress on.

  "You're sweet," Lena said.

  "Sweet on you."

  "So you like your breasts to be touched," Lena said.

  "Yes. Pinched. Nibbled. Fondled. Sucked. Whatever. Are you gonna tell me what you like?"

  "Most everything."

  "You like alien probes?"

  "My favorite. Even more than a hot rod up my ass."

  "I brought several hot rods and no alien probes."

  "We can use the hot rods, don't worry." Lena kissed the tip of Caris's nose, then her eyelids
and then her earlobes. "I like you. I like you a lot, Caris. I like kissing you. I like a whole lot of things. I like watching people touch themselves. I like penetrating my lover and having my lover penetrate me, maybe at the same time. With a dildo, finger, tongue, whatever. Having people go down on me, and vice versa. And I—I like you, Caris. I will love whatever we do. Clothes on, no kissing on the mouth, alien probes, stun guns, grenades, space invaders, green goo, Martians, whatever. Long as I'm with you."

  Damn Lena for being so sweet. Caris was thisclose from tugging Lena to her and kissing her. Kissing her all night.

  *****

  Caris went to get water. "Do you have dildos?" she asked when she returned.

  "Yes." Lena bent to get her stash of sex toys from the nightstand drawer. She rained the contents of her bag onto the bed. Lube. Four dildos, two straps, the baker man vibrator and one other vibrator. A feather. Handcuffs. "Mostly remnants from when I was with Caroline," Lena offered helpfully. Furthering the cause of Plan B.

  "That one." Caris indicated a purple silicone dildo. "Put it on."

  "You want me to just, like, move and uh…can you come like that?"

  "I need to be on top."

  Lena chewed the inside of her lip. This is not going to work. "Forget the dildo for a minute." Lena wrapped her arms around Caris. "We'll be okay, Caris. We really will."

  "I know."

  "Let me kiss you."

  They kissed leisurely, entwining their arms and legs. Letting their hips find each other and start a familiar dance.

  Lena could tell that Caris was still holding back. Still struggling to not let herself go completely, struggling not to lose herself in a whirlwind of passion and sensations.

  But Caris was losing, badly. And coming to terms with it. Her kisses grew more daring. Hungrier. No holds barred. Lena melted against Caris, and the world was her and this woman.

  *****

  Caris watched as Lena tugged the black dress off, then tugged off her own clothes. Lena's breasts were perfect globes, with erect light pink peaks. Dainty nipples. Exquisite.