Waiting Page 18
Shirley got to her feet. "I'll talk to them."
Lena rose as well. "I'll go with you." Give Caris alone time with Mom. Lena was under the impression that Caris had not visited Dale in quite some time.
When Lena returned five minutes later, Caris seemed to not have moved. Lena took Caris's hand and kissed it. "Are you ready for them to take the body away?"
Caris grimaced. "Body. Do you want a few minutes with—"
"No. I had a good time with her yesterday. She smiled. I really think she did. That's what I want our last time together to be."
Chapter 23
"We chose a mahogany red casket," Caris said at the townhouse that night. She showed George a picture.
"Nice."
Truth be told, Caris barely remembered her, Shirley and Lena picking out the casket. She barely remembered them making the arrangements. Caris had not realized things would move this fast. Dale was so freshly dead, and here they were making arrangements.
They could have waited until tomorrow, probably. But Shirley needed something to do. Something to channel her anxiety, her nervous energy, into. The three of them had mostly spoken to other people. Not to one another.
"I'm going to be cremated," Caris said. The statement was directed toward no one in particular, although George was closest. He was next to her on the couch, Shirley was in the kitchen with a couple of neighbors heating up a casserole for dinner, Jennifer was feeding Donovan in a chair across the room, and Lena was standing by the front windows, her arms crossed.
Caris wanted all these people to go away. Except Lena. No second chance for Dale. No Spring.
I'm so sorry, Dale.
Lena smiled slightly. "I want to be cryogenically frozen."
"What's that?" Jennifer asked.
"Your body is frozen. When the technology's there, you're revived. Say cancer killed you. When you're revived in the future, cancer is no problem. Easy peasy."
"Are you serious?"
Lena shrugged. "Why not? If it doesn't work, I won't know. The world is a wonderful place. I want to be around to see it five hundred years from now. A thousand."
Jennifer snorted. "You're kidding, right? That's not going to work."
Lena shot her a glare. "Like I said. If it doesn't work, I won't know."
Shirley and the neighbors came back with the food, but Caris brushed her offering off.
"Cryonics," George mused. "That's the Ted Williams thing. Didn't something happen with his head?"
"Maybe some cracks in it," Lena said.
Caris tuned out the conversation. Part of her, deep down inside, had thought Dale would get a second chance. She heard a few snatches here and there: John Henry Williams, leukemia, will, cremated, Alcor, tuna can…
Absurd.
Being frozen would not be too bad. She would set Jennifer straight. Tell Jennifer to show Lena respect. Caris and Lena could experience the future together. Five hundred years from now, no one would know their history, that Caris used to be Lena's stepmother. No gossip, whispered glances behind their backs. Oh my gosh, her wife was barely in the hospital before she hopped in bed with her stepdaughter. No people wondering if they'd been carrying on an affair before Dale's wreck.
Frozen. Clean start.
Caris's shoulders ached. Her chest ached. Her arms ached. The rain in Paris for their honeymoon had been wet, gleeful. Dale had been like a child, laughing and stepping in puddles. Why the hell not? They were drenched already and hopelessly lost.
At Snowshoe, in West Virginia, Caris could not get the hang of skiing. She fell every time she dismounted the lifts. Dale was patient and helped Caris up every time, explained what she needed to do.
Wasn't the same Dale in the wheelchair. Dead, pathetic, lonely Dale.
Caris excused herself, saying she had to go to the bathroom. Instead, she headed to her bedroom. She got a blue envelope and slipped the rings inside. Then she wrote a letter.
Dear Dale,
I've been thinking. That night I was in the bathtub and you visited wasn't a dream, was it? It was your way of communicating with me in that hazy land between consciousness and unconsciousness, between sleep and wakefulness. I still feel the touch of you, of your face, from that night. Your skin was smooth, just a teeny bit oily. You were there. Period.
Like Dr. Aronson says, consciousness is tricky.
I'm glad we got that last time together. Thank you. I hope you're with Reggie now and that you two are happy.
I love you.
-Caris
The evening dragged on and on. Neighbors and a few of Dale's co-workers were in and out. Caris stayed away from Lena. Lena stayed away from her. What else could they do?
At last, though, only Jennifer and Lena remained. Caris checked the time. Eleven o'clock.
"You look tired," Jennifer said to Caris.
"I am."
"I'll stay tonight and take care of Donovan."
"Go home. I'm fine. You've done more than enough. You rest."
"You haven't eaten."
"Haven't been hungry."
Lena got up from the couch. She stretched, her body long and limber like a cat's. The picture of casualness. Caris did not want Lena to be this good at acting. Did not want herself to be this good, either.
"See you guys tomorrow," Lena said.
Caris's thoughts scampered. No way about it. "Will you stay tonight?"
Lena's lips tugged up. She nodded.
Jennifer frowned. "I said I'll stay."
Lena patted Jennifer's shoulder. "Thank you, but I got this."
Jennifer shrugged off the touch. "You don't even like your stepmother."
"I said I got this," Lena repeated, an edge in her voice. "Caris wants me to stay, so I'm staying. I'll heat up food. We'll eat. It's all right, I promise. I will take care of her."
Caris could not help but smile. I will take care of her. Caris hoped Lena would let Caris take care of her, too. Lena had seemed lost all day. Lost and wooden and detached. They had both been putting on brave faces. Maybe now they could be themselves.
A dismayed, understanding look crossed Jennifer's features. She met Caris's gaze. "Her?"
"What's wrong with her?"
Jennifer got her purse and left without saying goodbye.
*****
"I'm cold," Lena said, and she was glad when Caris put her arms around her.
"Want soup?" Caris asked.
"No."
"My first night home after having Donovan, I took a bath. Bubble bath. I kept waiting for the hospital to call that your mother was dead."
"Want to take a bath together?"
"I would love to. Hey, are you holding up okay?"
"No," Lena said. "Not really. My mother is dead."
"Part of me thought—hoped—she'd wake up and get her second chance. Especially after what your grandfather did."
"I guess part of me did, too. Maybe it wasn't a cry for help. Maybe she actually meant to kill herself."
Caris sighed, looking impossibly weary. "Maybe she did."
Caris got into the bathtub first, and Lena rested her head against Caris's chest. She was content to let Caris hold her. Content to listen to Caris's heartbeat. Caris's heat and the water were exactly what Lena needed, and she felt most of her worries drift away. "I have a Christmas present for Donovan in my car," she whispered.
"What is it?"
"Cute little bowling shoes. I didn't know what else to get him. He probably can't use the shoes for a few years, but..."
Caris groaned. "You're gonna teach him to kick my ass."
Lena laughed. "Yep. And better sooner rather than later. I also got you —I wasn't going to give them to you because of—well, it doesn't matter. I got you bowling shoes, too. Pretty shoes. They're white. They look more like tennis shoes than bowling shoes."
"Thank you, Lena," Caris murmured. "The three of us going bowling. That would be nice."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry about Jennifer," Caris said.
&nb
sp; "She doesn't like me."
"She didn't like how you used to cancel on me all the time. She'll come around. I'll talk to her. We didn't break the news in the best way."
Lena maneuvered around. Splosh splosh splosh. She faced Caris. "I don't want to make the same mistake Mom did."
"Okay."
"She couldn't be honest with you, the woman she loved, because she feared losing you. I want to be honest with you."
"I want to be honest with you, too."
Lena's heart fluttered, and she took one last look at Caris. One last look before everything would change, whether for the better or the worse. Lena kissed Caris, first on her left cheek, then her right, then on her mouth. The kiss was much like their first kiss, passionate and intense and sad and eager and playful and solemn all at the same time, and electrifying every part of Lena, especially her heart.
This time, it was Lena, not Caris, who ended the kiss. "You're different," Lena said. "I can't explain how, but you are. A relationship is what the people in it make it to be. You can spread your wings. I don't want to clip your wings, not at all. Date people and live your life. When you're ready, if you want me, you—we can—something like that. And screw Grandma. She'll come around eventually. She already is. She let you have some of her M&Ms."
Caris laughed, and Lena kept going. "If I did not feel what I feel for you and for Donovan, I would not be involved with you like I am. I had two babies, I let them go, and I have to watch from a distance as they grow and live their lives. I'm not their mother in the way that counts, and that probably is for the best because they have wonderful parents. But I don't want to watch Donovan grow up from a distance. If I thought for one second I was not right for you or Donovan, that I could not help you or make you happy, I would let go so you could find someone else. On paper, we don't look like we fit. But in real life, we do. That's what I think. We have to try. I love you, Caris. I've loved you a long time."
Caris took Lena in her arms, and Lena held onto Caris's slick, soapy body. "I love you, Lena. I love you very much. We will be fine. I don't care about dating other people. You're the one."
Lena blinked back tears. She was going to cry. Now. She did not want to, of course not, not in front of Caris. Caris had been right. It was the limbo, why Lena had not been able to cry. However, Lena could do nothing, could not even move, because all of a sudden she was crying. Hard. Too hard. Crying like she never had before. She was crying because she was at peace, she had confessed she loved Caris, she was crying because of Nakeem Joseph, who did not like her, and for Aron Michelle, who let Lena be her kind of stepmother, and for Joanna's forgiveness, and for George and his drawings, and for Shirley, who ached for her daughter, and whose leaving at the wrong time meant Dale died alone, and crying in gratefulness that Shirley shared her M&Ms with Caris, because that meant Shirley was going to try to accept them together. Lena also cried for Caris and for Donovan, Donovan who was going to be her baby too. Lena cried for all the families waiting, all the families still in limbo, and for her own lost, misguided mannequin of a mother who had grabbed fairy dust and was a person again in wherever place she—he—was now.
*****
Afterward, Caris led her to bed. They burrowed under the sheets, their arms and legs entangled, two as one. For the first time, they kissed without limitation, without hurry, without fear. "I love you," Caris said, and Lena said: "I love you, too."
"It's ironic, you know," Caris said. "We're going to be like your mother."
"What do you mean?"
"If we're cryogenically frozen. We'll be in limbo."
"I hadn't thought of it that way. You're right."
Caris drifted off to sleep, and Lena imagined their future together. Five hundred years from now, maybe they would have another awakening. They would wake up in a different time and a different place, but they would be together. Always.
*****
About a month after Dale's death, George moved back to Virginia. He and Shirley were reconciling. He invited Caris, Lena and Donovan over for the unveiling of his latest drawing. "It's titled Where the Wind Goes," he said, and unveiled it.
Dale was on the boat. George had finally gotten the scene right. Caris could taste the salt water and feel the wind whipping Dale's hair. She could reach out, touch Dale's chapped cheeks and hear Dale's brilliant, gusty laughter.
"That's her," Shirley said. "Him, I mean. Him. Dale is happy."
*****
A few evenings later, Lena and Aron stopped by the townhouse for a visit. Aron was spending the night with Lena again and brought an Agatha Christie book to read to Donovan. Caris and Lena worked on a brain teaser game together while Aron read.
"The watcher's post was empty," Aron read. "Jimmy Thesiger was not there. Bundle stared in complete amazement. What had happened? Why had Jimmy left his post? What did it mean?"
Donovan laughed.
"What do you think happened?" Aron asked the baby.
"La mo!"
Aron had met Donovan a few times and was in love with the child. She'd always wanted a little brother or sister. Now she had one. Caris could not help but remember one of her thoughts soon after Donovan's birth: The baby will need his big sister. Donovan had a big sister after all, just not Lena.
"I think Jimmy was there," Caris said. "But he had turned into a bug. Therefore, Jimmy was so tiny Bundle could not see him."
Aron giggled. "What kind of bug?"
"Ladybug?"
"Oooh. I love ladybugs. They're pretty. Hey, Caris. Are you and Lena gonna get married someday?"
Caris could not help but smile. She directed her gaze to Lena and cocked an eyebrow.
"I...I..." Lena's cheeks had turned pink. "Yes, I think so." She closed her hand over Caris's. "Yes, we will. Definitely."
THE END
Notable patients who are or were
in persistent vegetative or minimally conscious states
Comas have many causes, including brain trauma and hemorrhage. In cases of traumatic brain injury, doctors will sometimes order a reversible drug-induced coma to give the brain time to heal. Most people remain in comas for a few days to a few weeks, although in exceptional cases, a coma may last years. The prognosis for coma patients runs the gamut from recovery to death. Two of the outcomes for coma patients are emergence into a minimally conscious state or a persistent vegetative state. Patients in minimally conscious states exhibit erratic and rare periods of true responsiveness. As many as forty percent of people in persistent vegetative states may be misdiagnosed and actually are minimally conscious. Vegetative state patients have no awareness whatsoever. What follows is a list of notable people who emerged from a coma into one these two states.
Patient file # 1:
Esposito, Elaine (1934-1978) was six years old when she went into the hospital for a regular appendectomy. She never woke up from the anesthetic. She fell into a persistent vegetative state and remained in it for thirty-seven years, one hundred and eleven days, setting a Guinness World Record.
Patient file # 2:
Quinlan, Karen Ann (1954-1985) was twenty-one when came she home from a party and fell unconscious from alcohol and drugs. Her breathing stopped for at least fifteen minutes on two occasions. She was on a ventilator, in a persistent vegetative state, and did not improve, so her family requested the hospital disconnect the ventilator. Faced with threats by the Morris County, New Jersey, prosecutor to bring homicide charges against them, the hospital officials refused . The family eventually prevailed through the legal system, and in 1976, the hospital disconnected Karen Quinlan's ventilator. However, she stunned her family and officials by continuing to breathe on her own. She stayed in the persistent vegetative state until she died from pneumonia in 1985.
Patient file # 3:
Cruzan, Nancy Beth (1957-1990) swerved off the road in January 1983. She was driving a car without seat belts and landed face down in a water-filled ditch. She did not breathe for fifteen minutes, but somehow, paramedics resuscitated h
er. She was in a coma for a couple of weeks and emerged into a persistent vegetative state. Her family worked untiringly for five years to improve her condition, to bring her back to consciousness, but eventually petitioned all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court for the right to pull Cruzan's feeding tube. The Supreme Court denied the motion, saying there was a lack of evidence of what Cruzan would have wanted. On December 14, 1990, a Missouri circuit court ruled that new evidence presented by three more friends constituted "clear and convincing" evidence Nancy Cruzan would not want to continue existing in a persistent vegetative state and allowed the removal of her artificial feeding tube. Nancy Cruzan died twelve days after the removal of her feeding tube.
Patient file #4:
Bland, Anthony David "Tony" (1970-1993) was one of the soccer fans crushed during the Hillsborough Disaster, a stampede of fans during a Liverpool soccer game. He had two punctured lungs, causing irreversible brain damage due to lack of oxygen to his brain. Left in a persistent vegetative state, he was the first person the British courts allowed to die through removal of life-prolonging means.
Patient file #5:
Dockery, Gary French (1954-1997) was a police officer shot in the forehead in 1988. He lapsed into a persistent vegetative state. Seven and a half years later, fluid was filling his lungs, and his family agonized over what to do: operate or let him go. They opted for lung surgery, and on February 11, 1996, shortly after the operation, Dockery suddenly awoke and began to chatter nonstop. He remembered the names of family and friends, his pets, details of camping trips and the color of his car. Some doctors speculated he had been in a minimally conscious state, not a persistent vegetative state. Whatever his true condition had been, he fell silent again after 18 hours. He died on April 15, 1997, from a blood clot in his lung.