Waiting Page 12

  Donovan slept.

  Caris tried to see Dale through fresh, unbiased eyes. Gray hair. Sunken chest, weak. Non-expressive. Dale's gown was more alive than Dale was. Dale was an it. Not a he or she. That isn't a person. That's a zombie corpse. What was in the bed was a husk. Dale's once-strong chest was paper-thin. Her jowls sagged. She had lost forty pounds. Her muscle tone was going. The nursing home staff played music for Dale, flexed her arms and legs, but there was only so much they could do.

  The opposite had been happening for Shirley. As her daughter withered, Shirley grew.

  Shirley reached into the nightstand drawer and drew out a tattered book. "Let's finish Ten Little Indians."

  Lena sighed, a helpless sigh. She pulled her ponytail loose, sat on the floor and rested her head, uptilted, against the wall. She closed her eyes.

  Caris sat at a round corner table. She cradled Donovan and, soothed by the rise and fall of Shirley's voice, watched Lena, Shirley and Dale. Mostly Lena. Her long eyelashes. The dark loose hair almost halfway down her back.

  Caris's whole body hurt. Lena infiltrated her thoughts, her waking moments. Caris could count on two fingers the number of people she had been in love with.

  Alexandra, her first girlfriend.

  Dale.

  Lena could join that list very, very easily. With the slightest nudge. Maybe already had.

  Caris's love for Alexandra had developed over time, in high school. Caris's love for Dale had developed slowly, too. Caris almost had not accepted Dale's request for a second date, but something whispered in her ear to, so she had. A few months later, she was firmly in love.

  Now this thing with Lena. This thing that wasn't a thing. Did she want to be in love with Lena, especially at this time in her life? No, of course not.

  But there it was, and it was different from what she had felt for Alexandra and Dale. Caris could not explain it. On a higher plane, somehow. Perhaps because of their circumstances. No denying they were going through a highly emotional experience together. Essential to remember: You are not in love with Lena. The situation makes you think you are.

  Lena opened her eyes. She met Caris's gaze and smiled, a little sad, secret smile. Caris's skin prickled, and she felt Lena's tongue again playing hide and seek with hers. Caris imagined Lena's hands rubbing her back, and then her breasts. They might as well be in bed, their arms and legs entwined, so intimate and poignant was Lena's smile.

  "One little Indian boy left all alone," Shirley read. "He went out and hanged himself, and then there were none."

  Chapter 15

  Caris, Lena and Donovan left together. "I have a date this Saturday," Caris said. "Sort of. It's a double date with Jennifer, Oliver and a friend of theirs. Her name's Patricia White. Probably gonna amount to nothing, but…"

  Lena smiled, but it did not reach her eyes. "That's good. I could baby-sit Donovan while you're on your date."

  "No."

  "Why?"

  "Not while I'm on a date, Lena."

  Lena's responding grin was casual. "What's the big deal? Babysitting is babysitting."

  Did Lena really think that? Or was she protecting herself? Didn't matter. The answer was no either way. Caris shook her head. "Not while I'm on a date. That's too tacky."

  Lena jammed her hands in her pockets. "Fine. Whatever. Look, I have to be at work soon, but do you have a minute to stop by my place? I want your opinion on something."

  *****

  In the apartment, Lena zipped her backpack open, hoping she was not about to make a colossal mistake. Donovan was sleeping, and Caris had kept him in his baby carrier seat or whatever it was called, and set him on the floor.

  Lena got three books from her backpack. She laid them, covers up, on the kitchen table. Books on taking care of infants and toddlers.

  Caris blinked. Several more blinks. Confused blinks.

  Lena felt the walls close in on her. What are you doing, Lena Alice Ismay? "I'm sorry I haven't been around to help with Donovan, but I want to be. It's what Mom would have wanted. Ah, screw that. It's what I want. For several reasons. Uh…" Lena rubbed her forehead. She pretended to be engrossed in the cover of one book: a baby in pink.

  "I don't have much family left," she went on. "Grandma and Grandpa are old. Healthy, but old. After they're gone, it's going to be just me unless I…" Lena sighed. "I've realized that…eh. Never mind. Thing is, I have you. I have Donovan. Why aren't I taking advantage of that? Mom's going to die, she won't be here this time next year, and you'll meet someone eventually. Marry someone else. That woman will be Donovan's other mother. Mom isn't his mother. She gave up that right, but I don't want to make the same mistake Mom did. I know Grandma and Granddad love him as much as they love me. Doesn't matter he's not their biological grandchild and that Mom was never his mother. When you get married again, he'll still be their grandchild. I want him to be my brother, too. No matter what." You're babbling. Lena forced herself to slow down.

  "I'm rambling nonsense, but what I'm trying to say is that if there's an emergency or something, I should know how to take care of him. Or even if there isn't an emergency. If you need me to baby-sit, I'll try. I want to do right by him. Anyway, I got these books from the library. Are they any good?"

  Caris had tears in her eyes.

  Lena touched Caris's arm. "Please don't cry. Because then I'll cry and I really, I—" She grimaced.

  Caris wiped at her eyes, preventing her tears from falling. She riffled through the books and said a simple: "They look good. I can lend you a few of mine."

  "Good," Lena said briskly. She re-packed the books. "Okay, then. I better get ready for work."

  "Something I need to clarify," Caris said slowly. "She was Donovan's mother. While I was pregnant. She read to my stomach, and even after she started freezing me out, she went to the doctor appointments. She took charge of getting the nursery together. She was his mother. She was."

  "All right," Lena said, aware her voice was a monotone.

  "I wanted to clarify. That's all."

  "Clarified."

  Caris brushed her thumb against Lena's cheek and brought her lips to Lena's. "Let's shut up about her. Can you lay down for a minute before work?"

  *****

  Lena and Caris lay entwined. Who was holding and comforting whom was unclear, but Caris knew where to rub Lena's back, when to squeeze her. It had been too long since someone strong held Lena. Really held her, like a woman ought to be held. Caroline had tried, sure, but it never had felt quite right. This did. Lena lost herself in Caris's smell, her touch, her closeness, her femaleness.

  Lena did not stop Caris when Caris unbuttoned Lena's jeans. In fact, Lena pulled her jeans down partway, and Caris's hand found its way into Lena's underwear.

  "You're wet," Caris whispered.

  "Fuck me. Please."

  So Caris did, and like Lena's earlier orgasm with Caris, this one was quick. No foreplay. Which was how it should be, because they were on Plan B.

  Afterward, Lena used the same method on Caris—Caris who was incredibly wet, Caris who clamped her arms around Lena and moaned and moaned. Her orgasm was fast, too, a great shudder.

  After they were finished, Caris's breathing gradually became deep, slow and rhythmic, but Lena remained wide awake. She tightened her hold on Caris. This wasn't enough. Stupid, furtive orgasms, no kissing in bed. Dissatisfaction.

  "Can we do naked sometime?" Caris murmured.

  "I thought you were asleep."

  "No."

  "Sure, we can do naked sometime. But now I really need to get ready for work."

  "This was good, Lena. Thank you."

  Lena kissed her on the cheek, a peck. "No problemo. Have a good rest of the day. Call after your date if you want. Hope it goes well."

  *****

  Lena checked herself over in the mirror Saturday morning. Jeans, green polo shirt. Green so her eyes would be green. She wore new red tennis shoes. The kids would like that, red shoes. Joanna had called Wednesday
to say Lena could take the children to the park down their street for two hours Saturday. Just her and the children. Lena surveyed the bag at her side. Just her, the children—and baseball gloves, baseballs, tennis racquets, tennis balls and a few Frisbees. In case no one had anything to say.

  Joanna had not said much on the phone. She did not need to. Her tones had been disapproving for three years. No doubt she was afraid that once the children turned eighteen, they would abandon her and gravitate toward Lena. Lena, who had given them up, Lena who did not deserve them.

  Lena resolved to tell Joanna that she need not worry about the children picking Lena over her. Joanna did not see how the children looked at her. Joanna was their mother.

  At three o'clock, Lena rang the Soundroses' doorbell. She was supposed to be working until eight today, but she had switched shifts. She did not know when she might get another opportunity like this.

  Malik answered the door. "Hey, Lena. How ya doing?"

  "Good. Fine. Thank you."

  Malik smiled. "Great. Good. Well, uh, Nakeem decided he doesn't want to go."

  Lena managed to keep her smile up. "Okay," she said. Nakeem was the sensitive one. He had not really made an effort to get to know her when she resurfaced in his life. She did not blame him. She could promise repeatedly she would not lose contact with him again, but why should he believe her? Perhaps he just did not care. He had his mother. He had his father. He had his buddy Deonte. What use did he have for a white woman called Lena?

  "So," Malik said, "Nakeem and Joanna are at a movie. Hope you don't mind if I go with you and Aron. I'll…" He lowered his gaze for a second. "Let you guys have some alone time."

  "I'd love to have you come. Sure."

  "Great." He called for Aron, and she bounced out a moment later.

  "Hey, Lena. We got a dog! Her name's Mr. Goodbar. But she's a girl dog. She's a chocolate lab. Nakeem wanted to name her Hershey, but that's kind of obvious, don't you think? So I said: 'Let's call her Mr. Goodbar.' And Nakeem said: 'But she's a girl.' Mom said to call her Ms. Goodbar. Can she come with us? Please?"

  "Ask your father."

  Malik ruffled Aron's hair. "Go get Ms. Goodbar."

  *****

  They set off walking down the sidewalk to the park. Aron was in the middle, holding Ms. Goodbar's leash. Aron was a chatterer, always had been. Her topic of conversation today was Ms. Goodbar, who was her first dog.

  Lena wished she could look at Aron. No, not look at her. Study her. Examine her. Take her in. Like she could with pictures. Touch her, feel her. Experience the texture of her kinky black hair, of her smooth cheeks. Watch her sleep.

  At the park, Ms. Goodbar pooed, and Aron wrinkled her nose and looked up at her father. "Do I have to clean it?"

  Malik laughed. "Yep."

  They bought Cokes from a machine, and Malik said he would take Ms. Goodbar for a stroll around the park.

  Lena's mind was a blank as Malik and the puppy left. She was about to reach into her pocket for a list of questions she had prepared for this exact occurrence when Aron piped up: "Nakeem doesn't like you. He says Deonte's better than you."

  "Oh."

  "I like you, though."

  "I like you, too. And Nakeem."

  Aron fiddled with the tab on her Coke can. Crackle crackle crackle. "Can I stay with you sometime?" she mumbled.

  "That's up to your parents."

  "Nakeem's stupid."

  "No, sweetie. He's not."

  "Is too."

  Lena winked at the child. "I don't make stupid kids."

  Aron's lips tugged into a little smile. Crackle crackle. "Your mom was in a wreck."

  Lena licked suddenly dry lips. "Yes."

  "I Google your name a lot. And her name, too."

  "Sure, why not."

  "Is your mom okay?"

  "She's in a persistent vegetative state. Do you know what that is? It's like a coma. She probably won't come out of it." Lena scanned the park for Malik; he was halfway around.

  Aron studied her Coke can thoughtfully. "I didn't tell Nakeem or Mom and Dad about the wreck."

  "That's fine. You don't have to tell them everything."

  "I wouldn't mind going to see your mom." Crackle. "If you wanted. I'd be cool with it."

  "She doesn't look good."

  "What's she look like?"

  "Not like a person. Like she has no feeling. No awareness."

  "How come you don't hug me? Or touch me?"

  "I hug you," Lena protested. "I hugged you after dinner at Applebee's."

  "Oh." Aron bit her lip. "Guess so. Do you have a boyfriend?"

  Lena sipped from her Coke. She had never told Malik and Joanna she was gay. If they had a problem with it, Lena did not want them using the gay issue to keep the children from her. "No," Lena said. "No boyfriend. Work and school keep me really busy."

  "You jealous about Deonte gettin' married?"

  "I'm happy for him."

  "You wanna be with him?"

  Lena grinned. "No. Hey, you going to the wedding? I think I might."

  Aron glowered. "I can't. Mom says we're on vacation. But she didn't tell me about the vacation until I asked."

  "I'm sorry."

  "Is your mom nice?"

  "Mmm, she's—yeah. She's nice. I have a stepmother. She's very nice."

  "You mean stepfather?"

  "My mother is married to a woman."

  Aron's eyes lit up. "Oh! Like your mom's gay. Cool. I got a gay uncle."

  Lena allowed herself a relieved breath. "That's great, Aron. I showed my stepmother your picture. She said you're beautiful."

  "I guess you're kind of like my stepmother, aren't you, Lena?"

  "That's one way to look at it."

  "Hey, girls." Malik was back.

  "Hi, Daddy."

  Lena got out the Frisbee, and the three of them played for about an hour. Then it was time to head back. Malik put his arm around Aron's shoulder, she held Ms. Goodbar's leash in one hand, and after a moment, used her free hand to take Lena's hand.

  Aron's hand was small. Callused. Perfect. Lena never wanted to let go. She hoped Joanna would let her daughter stay with Lena one night. Please, please. She would love to eat popcorn with Aron, watch movies with her, and maybe they could do each other's hair.

  At the house, she hugged Aron—a good hug—marveled at how thin and bony the girl was, and kissed Aron on the cheek. "Bye, sweetie."

  "Bye, Lena." Aron kissed her back. "I hope your mom gets better."

  *****

  Caris decided that night not to wear the black dress. She would save it for Lena. She riffled through the closet and settled on a pair of black pants and a dressy blue shirt.

  Patricia White seemed nice. She was good-looking. Athletic. Butch. Somewhat like a younger version of Dale, if Dale had a tan, spiky blond hair and blue eyes. Patricia did not ask about Dale. Jennifer had debriefed her on the situation, and Patricia probably knew this outing was casual, very casual. She should not be expecting anything serious from it.

  They ate at Mr. Chen's, a new Chinese restaurant. Patricia had a child too, a nine-year-old boy, and they talked about him. Jennifer and Oliver discussed having kids, maybe in the next couple of years. After dinner, the four of them went to the symphony.

  Nice night. Nice conversation. Nowhere near nice enough to get Caris's mind off Lena.

  *****

  Caris's call came just after midnight. Lena was on her bed in the dark and secretly hoping the date had crashed and burned. Been from hell.

  "How did it go?" Lena asked. She imagined Caris's lips covering hers hungrily. Caris mounting her. Imagined Caris mounting her faceless date.

  "She was cute. Nice."

  "Going out with her again?"

  "I might."

  Lena made a fist around her bed sheets. "Great. Happy for you. What'd you all do?"

  "We went to dinner, then the symphony."

  "Awesome."

  "One big problem with her. Makes me
have second thoughts about going out with her again."

  "Yeah?"

  "She has a tail that leaves orange goo everywhere she walks."

  Lena grinned and closed her eyes. Be still, my heart. "Does she clean up after herself?"

  "She has a robot dog who licks the goo." Caris paused. "You okay?"

  "I'm good."

  "I don't want to hurt you," Caris whispered.

  "You're not. One of the best things for you right now is to go out and meet people. I'm fine." Lena squeezed the bed sheets again. "I have my life. I'm not a jealous person." And she was not, she really was not. "I've had a few nonexclusive relationships. Not that we're in a relationship. But you know what I meant."

  "Are you going out with other people?"

  "Work and school keep me busy enough."

  "I don't feel right going out with people if you're not."

  "Me dating other people is the least of our issues, don't you think?"

  "I—okay. You're right."

  "Look, Caris. Go out and have fun. Meet people. You don't need to tell me when you have dates. We should probably, uh, I'll go on a few dates, all right? Will that make you happy?"

  "Probably for the best," Caris whispered.

  "I'm actually really busy the next few weeks." No, I'm not. I'm my usual ordinary busy. "So this is a good time for you to go out lots."

  "No problem. Um, okay. Well, give me a ring when you're free. We'll do something."

  "Caris, wait a sec."

  "Yeah?"

  "I—I didn't mean—I really am busy."

  "Give me a ring when you're free, okay? Take care."

  "Wait."

  Caris hung up. "Shit!" Lena said. "Shit, shit!" Don't you dare sabotage this. She's too good for you to do this to her.

  Lena dialed Caris, and Caris answered on the third ring. "Can I come over?" Lena asked. "Give you a good night kiss? Please?"

  A hesitation, then a soft: "Okay."