Waiting Page 13

  "And can I…" Lena swallowed. "I saw Aron today. It went— it was okay. I'd like to tell you about it. Caris, do you know you're the only person I've told about the children?"

  "I am?"

  "Yes."

  "Why?"

  Lena shrugged. "Because I never wanted to tell anyone else. Besides, you needed the distraction."

  "I'm glad you told me."

  "So am I. I'm very glad."

  Chapter 16

  The next day, Lena was annoyed. Every time she showed up at Pinewood, Shirley was there.

  Every. Damn. Time.

  The thought that Lena might want to be alone with her mother for a few minutes apparently did not occur to Shirley. Lena accepted that it was partly her fault. She never hinted. She showed up, kissed Dale, listened to Shirley read a while, then left.

  Today, though, Lena had enough. Shirley and a couple of nurses had dressed Dale in regular clothes, and Shirley was about to take Dale to the duck pond.

  "Hey, Grandma. You look like you need a break. I'll take Mom outside, and you go out for coffee or something. Bring me back a frappuccino."

  Shirley blinked, but understanding dawned in her expression. "Of course, sweetie."

  Lena scribbled down her order, and Shirley left. Lena pushed her mother in the wheelchair outside. Lena liked the duck pond, but lots of people were out today. No problem. Pinewood's grounds were expansive. Lena found an isolated bench off a walking trail and applied the wheelchair brake.

  "You look good today." Dale wore sweat pants and a blue T-shirt.

  "Me? You like my shirt too?" Lena shot her mother a rueful glance. "No, it's not new. Remember, Mom? Every time you see this shirt, you ask if it's new. Anyway, I figure we have maybe thirty minutes. I've been wanting to talk to you. Uh, I met someone."

  And it's because of that someone I am pleasantly sore this morning. Caris had finger fucked Lena last night, with three fingers. For a long time. No urgency to it, just a deep, rhythmic in and out, and God. Lena had loved it.

  Caris had welcomed Lena with a smile. They got into bed—not naked, though. Caris did the finger fucking thing, and Lena talked. Talked while Caris fucked her, yep. She told Caris about Aron and about Nakeem, and about what being pregnant with twins was like. The ache and the pain of the memories had been dull and distant last night, because Lena was with Caris, Caris was inside her, and the world was right.

  A robin landed on the walking path. Dale fastened her gaze on the robin, and Lena shivered. Papers and doctors could say what they wanted to say, but it was damn eerie how once in a while, her mother truly seemed to be attentive. To random things, though. That was how Lena knew for sure it meant nothing. If her mother was going to be attentive, wouldn't be to a damn bird.

  Shirley loved pointing out when Dale seemed to track objects and people. "Her eyes are following the nurse around the room," Shirley whispered one time. Not in Lena's opinion, but whatever. Once, though, she'd thought her mother was watching trees sway outside the window. The day was windy, and the trees moved like they were watching a tennis match. So did Dale's gaze, for a precious ten or fifteen seconds. Tricks of the mind.

  The robin stepped on a leaf. Crackle.

  Blink blink blink.

  "Cute bird," Lena murmured.

  The robin flew away. Dale's gaze remained transfixed to the spot on the walking path.

  "Hey, Mom, so I met someone. Uh…I really like her. I'm thinking about sending her flowers tomorrow. Roses, probably. Kinda boring, and I'm trying to think of something more interesting. Not candy. But, hey. Roses will do, right? Nothing wrong with being old-fashioned and romantic once in a while."

  Lena's chest was about to burst. She wanted to say more. So much more. That she was falling in love, truly in love, and quite possibly for the first time in her life. Lena wanted to say the woman's name. That she had a baby. That this new woman was different, that Lena could see many, many years with her. Perhaps a lifetime. The doctors said Dale was dead. Her brain was nothing. But in case Dale flickered in there somewhere, Lena would say nothing identifiable.

  Lena glanced around her, feeling foolish for what she was about to perform. She adjusted Dale's wheelchair so Dale faced her. "Blink once for yes. Twice for no." Lena made a thumbs-up. "Am I holding up any fingers?"

  No blinks.

  Lena frowned. "A thumb isn't a finger. You're right. You and your lawyer mind, huh?" She let herself laugh.

  Blink blink blink.

  Lena held up her pointer finger. "Am I holding up one finger?"

  Blink.

  Lena's heart nearly stopped. Coincidence.

  "Are we outside?"

  Blink blink. Wrong answer.

  "We're outside, Mom," Lena said softly. "Let's try another. Is my hair in a ponytail?" The correct answer was blink.

  Dale went blink blink blink blink blink.

  "Are your parents Shirley and George?"

  Blink blink blink.

  "Is my name Lena?"

  Blink blink.

  Nothing stirred in that brain.

  "I miss you, Mom."

  Dale grunted, a low, rough sound. Blink blink blink.

  Lena remembered Caris kissing her, the first time. Caris's three fingers inside her last night. "I want to make love to her. To tell her I love her. Is that stupid? Is it too early?"

  Dale's eyes were as animated as marbles.

  "She says she isn't ready for a relationship, but that's not a problem. We'll figure out a way. A relationship is what the people in it make it to be. She can—she deserves to date people. Have her own life. As long as, uh…I don't know. She loves me back, Mom. I'm pretty sure she does. As long as she loves me and we communicate openly, we'll be fine. We sure ain't communicating openly right now. But we're going to talk soon. I'll make sure of it."

  Brown marble eyes. "Time for me to shut up."

  Lena wheeled her mother back to the room. No Shirley yet. Lena bent down and kissed Dale on the forehead. "I love you, Mom. Very much. I'm sorry I couldn't say it before the wreck."

  Dale's eyes drooped shut. Falling asleep.

  Shirley returned a few minutes later. "Anything happen?"

  "Nothing at all," Lena mumbled.

  *****

  Caris was worried about her mother-in-law, so the next time Caris was at Pinewood, she suggested a trip to Shirley. "You, me and Donovan. Go somewhere to relax and recharge our batteries."

  "I can't leave Dale. What if something happens?"

  "Nothing will happen. Come on. You know you need a break. I'll take care of the arrangements."

  "I can't leave Dale," Shirley repeated. "Something might happen."

  "How about a one-night trip?" Caris had to admit the trip would be just as much for her as for Shirley. Caris needed a change of scenery. Fresh air. Something to help get her mind off Lena. Lena and her wet pussy, Lena with her sighs and little moans. Lena who let Caris fuck her, in and out for like an hour, Lena who looked at her in that intense way.

  "I need to be here for Dale," Shirley argued.

  Caris looked into Shirley's eyes. Steadfast. Resolute. She was not going anywhere. "Okay," Caris said. "Let me know if you change your mind. Anytime."

  *****

  Lena was surprised to get a package from Caris two weeks after their night together. They had not talked since. Caris had not called, and Lena had been too scared to contact her, afraid she might tell Caris too much. Come across too strongly: I love you, Caris, I love you, take your damn clothes off already and let me show you how much I love you…

  The package revealed a black three-ring binder and a note.

  Lena:

  You might remember in one of my letters, I said I would write down what I remember your mother telling me about your father. I haven't slacked on that. I've been writing stories since that time, and now I think I am finished. Some good stories in there. Some funny stuff. Some is what you might call questionnaire information, but I didn't want to leave anything out. My questionna
ire information might not be your questionnaire information. I'll email you the file, too. If I remember more stories, I'll email you these too. But I think I have them all.

  - Caris

  P.S. I'm worried about your grandmother. I suggested a weekend trip, thinking it would help her to get away from Dale. She would not even consider a one-night trip. Maybe your grandmother will be more likely to listen to you. Take a weekend, or even a night, off to be with her if you can.

  Lena thumbed through the sheets. Fifty pages, double spaced Times New Roman, 12-point font.

  You shouldn't have, Caris.

  The first story started:

  Dale and I went to Nanjing, a Chinese restaurant, for our first date. (Side note: The health department closed Nanjing the next day. I've always wondered if the chicken that tasted "off" was really rat.) Okay, maybe technically it wasn't a date. She had asked me out so I could give her tips on how she could better land clients—what her nervous tics were, etc. In any case, it wasn't the best outing. Our conversation didn't flow.

  Near the end of dinner, though, we got to talking about personal stuff. She mentioned she'd been married. Her husband died of AIDS when their daughter was very young.

  The change in Dale was immediate. She went from a somewhat aloof lawyer to soft and glowing. "My daughter is like her father," Dale said. "Thank goodness. But she takes after me in some not-so-good ways."

  "What was your husband like?" I asked. I was surprised. I'd thought she was gay. Certainly looked it.

  She looked at me in this piercing way. "Do you believe in soul mates?"

  "Not really."

  "Me either. But Reggie was the kind of person who made me believe in soul mates. I miss him every day. I don't remember his voice anymore." She teared up. "He was the sweetest man. I'd marry him again today if I could." She chuckled self-consciously. "And I'm gay and was not attracted to him sexually, so that's saying a lot."

  When Dale asked me if we could have dinner again, I almost said no. She was older. Too old for me, or so I thought. Her daughter was my age. But my gut told me to give it another try. This was a complex woman, a woman who knew how to love. So I said yes.

  *****

  Caris got a letter from Lena a few days later.

  Caris:

  Thank you for the binder. You shouldn't have, but I really appreciate it. I got this weekend off from work. I had to beg and switch shifts with a few people, but I got it done. I'll use that to guilt-trip Grandma into going somewhere. You're right that she needs a break from Mom.

  Anyway, I went to a wedding yesterday: Deonte Stallings' wedding. In case you do not remember, Deonte is Nakeem and Aron's biological father. The wedding was nice. I think I was the only white person there. I should've asked you to come with me. Don't know why I didn't. I've missed you.

  Well, anyway, it's funny how relationships develop, isn't it? At the reception, Deonte's brother said that when Deonte was born, he was so ugly his mama asked the doctor to put him back in. Nervous laughter followed. Nervous because Deonte used to be this—okay, I'll be honest—the joke had some basis in truth. Now he's this strapping handsome guy.

  So I was fifteen and at a party. Eager and nervous and excited about getting drunk. Which happened quickly. Four beers, I was wasted. But I didn't stop there. I had a couple of shots.

  All white faces. I went to a private high school. Then there was one black face. He was by himself in a corner outside. What I noticed, what impressed me, was the fact he had oodles of beer cans around him. I went up to him, and we had a few cans. His head did not fit his body, which was like a toothpick. Maybe I took his hand, or maybe he took mine, he doesn't remember either, and going upstairs and getting a bedroom, I remember him inside me for maybe thirty seconds, didn't take him long. I thought: "Hey this doesn't hurt like people said it would." And I remember going to throw up.

  It hurt in the morning. Hell yes it did.

  Deonte went to a public high school. No reason I should have seen him again. But, of course, I was pregnant. So because of that thirty seconds he was inside me, can you believe that, not even a minute, not even a freaking minute, Deonte Stallings and I have a strange, lifelong relationship, and I went to his wedding.

  I hope to get married someday. Wonder if Deonte will be at my wedding. I hope Nakeem, Aron, Malik and Joanna are too. Here's what I really wonder, though: Will Deonte and I be invited to Nakeem's and Aron's weddings? I hope so. I really do.

  Thank you again for the binder. I've read everything. I'll call you very soon. I've missed you. Let's get together so we can maybe get naked or whatever. Or not naked. Just, you know. Whatever.

  -Lena

  Chapter 17

  "No," Shirley said.

  "No?" Lena replied. "Grandma, I cleared my weekend for you. Do you know how hard that was? I got—"

  "I never asked you to do that."

  "You want to do this the hard way, fine. I'll get handcuffs and swallow the key. I'll get chloroform. I'll invent a time travel machine, go back in time, get a black belt and ninja you to the ground. I'll get a crowbar and knock you out and drag you to my car. You are going out of town with me this weekend, and we're going to have fun. Capisce?"

  Shirley permitted a teeny smile. "Te ragazza testarda."

  "What?"

  "Italian for 'you stubborn girl.' "

  "You know Italian?"

  "I know 'you stubborn girl' in many languages. I used to say it all the time to Dale when she was a child. Threw her off. Got her to be quiet for a few minutes."

  "Smart."

  Shirley sighed and glanced at Dale. "All right, Lena. All right. You and Caris win. I surrender. Peacefully. No chloroform necessary."

  "Great."

  "I've been wanting to spend time with Donovan, anyway. I miss giving him his bottle."

  "Caris is coming?"

  Shirley cocked an eyebrow. "Isn't she?"

  "She, uh, yeah, sure. I'll give her a call." A weekend with Caris? And Donovan and Grandma? Could be torture. Or could be… Lena refused to finish the thought. She would call Caris, they would agree it was for the best if she did not go on the trip, Caris could feign being sick at the last minute, and that would be that.

  Or was that childish? Lena and Caris were adults. What was the big deal if Caris came? They could act fine and stiff and distant around each other. Right. Right.

  *****

  "So," Lena said, "what do you think?"

  Joanna Soundros nodded her approval. "It's fine. Cute little place. Where will my daughter sleep?"

  "She can sleep in my bed, and I'll sleep in the living room. Or vice versa. I won't make Aron sleep in the kitchen sink."

  Joanna did not laugh.

  "I appreciate this," Lena said. "Thank you."

  "I'm not doing it for you."

  "I know."

  "She got her period last month. First time."

  "Ick," Lena said.

  "She might be on it when she stays with you."

  "All right. Just let me know. What kind of pads does she use? Or tampons?"

  Joanna answered the question and then held out her hand. "Goodbye, Lena."

  Lena took Aron's mother's hand. "Bye, Joanna." She hated the distance between her and Joanna. They had used to be so close. The frost was Lena's fault, of course. Lena was the one who stopped coming to see the children. The one who stopped answering phone calls. The one who was off presumably enjoying a fresh new life in college. The one who jumped into Europe for three years and brought back nary a souvenir.

  Lena walked Joanna to her car. "I'll be out of town this weekend with family. Cell service is spotty where I'm going to be. In case you call and can't get in touch."

  Joanna smiled coolly. As if to say: Like I'd call.

  *****

  Lena was behind the wheel for the nearly four-hour drive to the Peaks of Otter lodge in Bedford County, Virginia. The ride down was awkward in some ways. Lena felt as invisible ice were separating her and Caris. She wanted to rea
ch out and touch Caris. Kiss her. Hold her.

  In other ways, the ride was not bad. Shirley taught Lena and Caris how to say "you stubborn girl" in twelve languages.

  "I hope Donovan doesn't mind being called a girl, even if it's in another language," Caris said with a laugh.

  They arrived about eight o'clock and checked in. The nearby National D-Day Memorial was having an event, so the lodge was booked. The four of them would share one room; Lena would have to put up with Shirley's snores. And put up with Caris being so close, yet so far.

  At the lodge restaurant, they took a table by the window, with a view of the man-made lake and Flat Top, one of the mountains for hiking.

  "You girls should hike tomorrow," Shirley said. "I'll watch Donovan."

  "Sure," Lena said, looking out the window. The prospect of being alone with Caris caused her pussy to tingle and her heartbeat to quicken. A stolen, sweaty encounter in the woods…

  Dusk gradually turned over to night. The lake's waters were placid and still. Lena figured that most people would perceive peacefulness and serenity. Not her. She saw her mother's blank, lifeless eyes. She shuddered, wanting to banish the thought. "Excuse me. I'm going to the bathroom." She made her way across the dining room and headed downstairs.

  She splashed cold water on her face and studied her reflection in the mirror. What was this? A lake, her mother's eyes? Chin up. Go back to the beautiful woman waiting for you. The beautiful woman you're scared of.

  *****

  After dinner, they went for a walk around the lake. Shirley, Caris and Lena took turns pushing Donovan. There were no night lights, although the moon afforded some visibility.